When happens when a cute blonde Russian tennis coach falls for a good ole American boy (also a tennis coach)? THIS! Unfiltered, adorable, adventurous love!
Read MoreBe an oak | Marriage Mondays
Welcome back to Marriage Mondays! Itβs been wonderful taking time to be with family and friends through the Christmas and New Year holidays, but we are excited to get back to our regular Monday posts.
For todayβs post I, Allen, thought I would write about an analogy that God gave me one night before I was to speak at a marriage conference this past year. Throughout the week of the marriage conference, called CONNECT, we learned of so many hurting marriages and we were so burdened for them. As I was trying to go to sleep one night, I had this vision of a huge beautiful mighty Live Oak tree. Being from north Florida, we have a ton of these huge, majestic, old, moss covered Live Oak trees that can be several hundred years old and whenever I see one, Iβm always in awe of them. That tree was a representation of what a strong, beautiful, long lasting marriage looks like.
If you think about it, that tree started out as a small, week little sapling. It had fresh green leaves and a smooth trunk. It was cute, but not really catching the attention of people as they traveled by. Now, many many years later, the tree has a very wrinkled looking trunk, the big thick branches are starting to sag towards the ground because they are so heavy. There is a bunch of Spanish moss covering up the leaves, yet the tree is absolutely stunning to look at. They are revered among the trees in the area and it is actually illegal to cut one down.
It took a long long time for that tree to grow from such a small sapling into the majestic mighty behemoth that stands strong and proud today. That tree has had to endure countless hurricanes, thunderstorms, deep freezes, insects, loggers to be what it is today.
Thatβs just like a strong marriage. They donβt just start out being strong from day one and are always strong without having to endure any struggles. As a matter of fact, the more struggles a couple has to endure and make it through, the stronger the marriage. The limbs of the oak tree have been pulled and cracked and put under all kinds of stress from the storms itβs been through, but each time it heals and is even stronger than before.
Carol and I have a marriage that a lot of people look up to, but we have been through an incredible amount of storms and trials and disappointments and hurts to get where we are today. Our love is stronger today than it ever has been and that is because we have not given up on each other and we have figured out how to communicate and work through the hard times. That is the secret to a good marriage, communicating through the crap and not ever giving up. People give up way too easily these days and they donβt realize that what they have really been wanting, is just on the other side of the tough time that they are going through right now. Itβs not easy to see, but itβs there!
When you face a trial in your marriage, and believe us you will, thatβs NORMAL, just remember the mighty oak. Remember it didnβt become strong and beautiful in year one or year ten, it took centuries and it had to stand up to tremendous storms and stresses to be what it is today. Even though we have been married for 21 years and have a strong marriage, we are also mindful that we are still learning and growing and are just getting started. Donβt ever think that marriage is easy! It can be amazing, and fun, and satisfying, but itβs always going to take work. You will always have to be intentional in building up your marriage and defending it and not allowing any enemy to sneak in and tear it apart.
BE AN OAK
Cheering you on!
Allen & Carol
NO NEED TO BE "BASH"-FUL | Marriage Mondays
So we are not really talking about the shy kind of "bash"ful. What we are talking about here is the spouse bashing that seems to happen when one is with their friends. Okay. So we know that doesn't pertain to all of you, but this has just been on our hearts and we wanted to share it. Marriage is a no-bashing zone! This has to be true for many reasons, but here are a few of those reasons. If you are tempted, we hope this is helpful to you!
THE FALLOUT OF BASHING:
- It breaks trust
- It breaks unity (connection )
- It totally kills self esteem in your spouse (definitely not what we're going for, right? ;-)
- It Totally makes you lose that "lovin feelin"
- Sadly, it ruins your spouses reputation (Blah! Nobody wants that.)
- Last but not least, it could eventually drive your spouse to look for affirmation elsewhere (This is obviously what we want to avoid at all costs!
So, now that you know the fallout of bashing, we want to help you out with it. We know it's not always easy to just change a habit. It has to be replaced with something else. We know that sometimes when you're hanging out with your girlfriends or buds, it sometimes seems just natural to smack talk about your spouse...but there's a better way. We promise you, there is! And we want to help you! So here are just a few...
WAYS TO BREAK THE BASHING HABIT:
- Practice speaking kind things to & about your spouse. This will help you believe it then speaking it will come more naturally. Yay! Now that's what we want, right?
- If caught in a bashing session, feel free to either excuse yourself or better yet, start sharing something GREAT about your spouse (you know, like how awesome he hung the Christmas lights, or how wonderful she smells - hee hee. We know you can think of a lot of great things!)
- Make a list of 10 things you love about your spouse. Focus on those daily so that next time you're tempted, you can have these things in mind ready to share instead of the negative.
- Remember that neither of you are perfect & never will be. We all have room to grow but we also all have wonderful traits as well.
- Ask yourself how you'd feel if your spouse bashed you.
- Pray - ask God to help you focus on the positive character traits about the one you fell in love with.
- Lastly, Take a good look at yourself. What's going on inside of you that's making you want to hurt your spouse by bashing? Maybe you've just had a tough day. Maybe it makes for a good laugh. Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it. We just want to encourage you to lift each other up instead. And don't forget that you're on the same team! For more on that see our post about how Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
Now for the good stuff! We want to share with you the...
BENEFITS OF "BUILDING EACH OTHER UP":
- Speaking well of your spouse will make them want to be a better person. Win-win for all!
- You get to have a deeper connection
- It Builds trust in your relationship
- It Builds confidence in your spouse
- It Gives your spouse a good reputation
- You're able to help other marriages thrive in this area as well (building up your spouse is contagious, just as bashing him/her is contagious).
- Being loyal to each other makes for a dynamite marriage!
We're sure you can probably think of many more benefits of speaking well of your spouse. These are just to get you started. As we mentioned before, we know not all struggle with this, but we've seen this tear marriages apart and we just want your marriage to be as beautiful as it can be. In order for that to happen, the spouse-bashing has to go (but only if you want a great marriage - and we know you do!) Thanks for letting us speak into your marriage. Keep us the great work!
"Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those hear them". Ephesians 4:29 NIV
Cheering you on,
ALLEN & CAROL
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people | Marriage Mondays
This time of year can be both exhilarating and also exhausting! The decorations, the parties, the food. It's all wonderful but along that comes daily withdrawals from our marriage "bank". Laughter is one way to make daily "deposits"!
Read More"Teamwork makes the Dream work" | Marriage Mondays
Ever noticed a team that just isn't working together and having very little success, if any? You can see it, everyone can see it, except that team...Sometimes though this is what our marriages look like and can feel like.
Read MoreTHERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR "IMPROVEMENT" | Marriage Mondays
Some of the times we have bonded the most in our marriage have been when we have tackled projects together. Projects such as building a deck, painting a room, building a pallet wall for a bridal show (in a weekend no less. whew!), remodeling a bathroom, even something simple as rearranging the furniture can strengthen our bond. you may be wondering how in the world that can bring you closer to each other. So we'll share our most recent little project we that drew our hearts to each other.
Our latest little project we tackled together was...chopping firewood! What? Yes indeed! Allen's back has been out this week, and as he recovers, he is limited in physical activity. I really wanted a fire (there's finally a chill in the air in North Florida - yay!) and I knew the only way it would happen was for me to chop the wood. Β However, never having done it before I knew I would need some assistance. So for this project, Allen was the coach and Carol did the physical labor! I actually did split a few logs with an ax! Whoop Whoop! But it took quite a while. Allen had to show me how to hold the ax, how to swing it and where to swing it (just for the record, I did not hit the same spot twice on any of those logs. Oops. But they did split eventually- haha)
How in the world did that bond us, you may wonder. Well, 1. It forced us to work together on the same project instead of separate ones. Life can easily get very busy with both of us going in different directions, if we allow it. Anyone else notice that too? Working together also 2. Increased our communication. Allen needed to communicate clearly and kindly to me in a way I could understand (which of course is quite different than him just telling a guy how to chop wood). I need a bit more gentleness and encouragement than one of his buddies would. By the way, he al ways excels at being kind but sometimes what he says is NOT what I hear. Things get lost in translation you know. LOL (I feel certain I am not alone in that area). This also meant that I had to practice listening and receiving instruction from him without getting offended. Was it easy? Ummm. No! It was a challenge for us both just a bit, but we found a balance between Allen teaching, me listening, and the wood splitting (albeit not right down the middle). 3. This also gave us an opportunity to believe in each other & cheer each other on. Allen believing in me and being patient when I struggled to catch on spurred me on. Honestly, one of the reasons I love doing projects with Allen is because he believes in me. He does not belittle me or make me feel dumb. He just encourages me! And BECAUSE he believes I can do it, then so do I! With the hubby coaching & the wife log-splitting, we were able to push through and in the end take satisfaction in a job well done together and have a nice cozy fire later on! There were certainly challenges and differences to overcome in the process, but that just made cuddling by the fire later that much sweeter!
That leads us to share with you one more example...about the time we welded together. Crazy, right? We were on a mission trip to Puerto Rico and Allen was in charge of welding a balcony railing for a church. The other men had different jobs and there were only a few ladies on the trip. I was one of them. The ladies were working in the kitchen, although I really had my heart set on working with Allen. I knew though that I had no previous experience welding and wasn't sure I would excel at it. Well, you would be surprised what you can do when someone believes in you and patiently teaches you. That's exactly what Allen did for me. He gave me a crash course in welding 101. Although it took me a bit to pick up on it, Allen never gave up on me. He kept encouraging me and saying "You can do it", even when my finished project was much less than perfect. And at the end of the week, I had learned a new skill and Allen and I had learned yet more communication skills. In addition, we built a stronger bond that week knowing that we had worked together as a team and welded a balcony! Wow! Who does that really? We do! :) Could Allen have built it without me? Absolutely, but it wouldn't have been as much fun. I mean we had a lot of fun flirting with each other & stealing kisses in-between welds. Hee-hee.
We have learned that one of the Keys to doing projects together is to value each others input. whoa! That's a tough one. after all, Allen is a firstborn perfectionist and I am a "fly by the seat of my pants" baby of my family. We sometimes have very different techniques for tackling a project. The coolest things happen when we listen to each other though. We learn that the other one has great ideas and input and that there can be more than one way to go about something. One of us learns a new method & the other feels valued. Definitely a win win!
THE PRIZE IS WORTH THE PRICE!Β
Ok so just to recap...
Advantages to doing projects together:
- It builds your bond
- Increases communication skills
- You accomplish something that you can both take pride in
- Opportunity to encourage each other & believe in each other
- Lastly, you get the chance to flirt with each other! oh yeah!
Keys to doing projects together:
- Believe in each other
- Encourage each other
- Value each others input
- Be patient with each other
- Don't forget to high-five and seal it with a kiss!
Okay. It's your turn now. Get out there and tackle a project together and don't forget to have fun with it! There will almost certainly be challenges as you work together, but try to remember your end goal - to strengthen your bond, not to have a perfect project. You can do it!
Cheering you on,
ALLEN & CAROL
The Power of Play | Marriage Mondays
Today's #marriagemondays post is a bit playful! Because playing together is powerful! Ok. So this sounds silly, but it's so true. Some call it "recreational companionship". We just call it having fun together. When we first met (back in high school...we'll save that story for another post), Allen was a surfer (and still is). Although I (Carol) had never surfed, but was certainly no stranger to the beach, I began becoming more interested in Surfing...paying a bit more attention to the different style of boards, the waves, which ones were clean (aka: surfable), and which ones were blown out...you get the idea. I did try it a few times but after a few scary incidents of being tossed about by waves and dragged under and knocked on the head by the board (ouch!), I decided I could still take an interest in my man's hobby...just from a different perspective.... from the shore! And I do! When Allen surfs, I can be found soaking up some Vitamin D AND watching him catch waves. Even after all these years together, when he catches a wave, he still looks up to see if I saw it. So sweet! It is super important for me to connect with him in this way. So sometimes I catch it on camera, and other times, I just catch his eye and give him a bug thumbs up & a smile. He smiles...then is off to catch the next epic wave!
So, we may have lost some of you by now. You may be thinking that we are the silliest couple in the world. And you may just be right. But it works for us. This is a small way we can connect with each other in a way that no one else can connect with us. Allen doesn't look to see if the skinniest blonde on the beach saw him catch a wave...he looks to see if I noticed. If ya think that doesn't make me feel like a million bucks...what girl wouldn't feel great with a cute surfer watching for her to cheer him on? Ain't I lucky?
Even though the beach is one of our favorite places to be together, there are plenty of other ways we connect with each other. Here are just a few:
- Kayaking
- Mountain biking
- Hiking
- Walks on the beach..especially at night
- Stargazing - holding each other close is a must for this one. hee-hee
So, none of these may be your thing. And that's okay. We want you to find your own way to adventure together. Some couples prefer disc golf. Some like to play basketball. Some like to cook together. Others like to go to concerts together. Whatever it is, we just want to encourage you to have fun together. Carve out just a little bit of time weekly (or monthly at the least) to adventure together. Your bond will grow stronger through this, as ours has. There are so many things in daily life that pull you apart (finances, parenting, running a business together, busy schedules, and of course conflicts). It's so important to not let your marriage run on empty & adventuring together is like refueling your marriage. It helps you connect with each other and brings fresh perspective at times. You will never regret the time you put into your marriage. It's one of the greatest investments you can make - for you, for your children, your grandchildren and for those watching.
So get out there & be a little bit silly together! Find ways to connect and enjoy each other's company. If you're not sure where to start, you could begin by each making a list of your favorite activities, then picking 1 or 2 from that list that you would both enjoy!
We'd love to hear from you! How do you adventure together, or how do you plan to adventure together? We can't wait to hear how that goes for you. (oh....slight caveat: There have been times that adventuring together has been challenging - such as mountain biking, or hiking Yosemite, but pushing through that & remembering that you're on the same team & working toward the same goal will help you get through those challenges and get to the enjoying part of the adventure more quickly. If adventuring together and leaving the daily worries behind feels strange at 1st, don't give up. Just keep at it and the rewards will come!)
Cheering you on,
ALLEN & CAROL
If you like this post, you may enjoy reading our other #marriagemondays posts. If you'd like to receive marriage encouragement in your inbox, we would love for you to subscribe below and that will allow you to be notified first when we post. Then you won't have to miss a beat! Let us know how we can better cheer you on!
Love keeps no records... | Marriage Mondays
Forgive a lot, then forgive again and again.
Yes, we are blessed with an amazing marriage. But we both would be the first to tell you that it hasn't come without its struggles. We have both messed up, numerous times, and had to forgive each other...over and over again. Sometimes it's the little things we have to forgive (or sometimes overlook - like the small irritable things)...things like leaving the lights on all the time, or forgiving scratches on vehicles when one has parked too close to the buggys at Walmart (oops). Other times, it's the bigger stuff. The times we have unknowingly and unintentionally hurt each other. Sometimes looking back, we don't have a clue how the little things could have caused such deep pain, but acknowledging that in each other & choosing to forgive has been part of the glue that has held us together.
Sometimes the words "I forgive you" have come out when we least expected it & certainly not planned it. But something deep inside forces out those words...knowing forgiveness is a purposeful choice and without it, healing can't take place. I don't know where we would be without forgiveness in our marriage. Certainly not here...adoring each other more than ever and pushing through hard times to make our marriage stronger. Sometimes one of us needs forgiveness more often than the other but neither of us keeps track. Lord help us, if we did! We just keep on saying it (many times after we have hashed it out, communicated well into the night, and come up with a plan for next time)...over & over again and making the choice to give grace & forgiveness ...knowing the other one of us could be in need of it at another time.
Now we also are aware that at times there are much deeper issues that may require intervention and require more time to resolve. We are certainly not saying that the words "I forgive you" fix everything. We know that they don't, but we have also learned that when those words are said, healing can begin. And as you say them over & over, your heart begins to actually believe it! It's a strange thing really.
We also want you to know that we know full well that those 3 little words are not easy to get out at times. Seriously yall, sometimes we even feel like we are going to choke on them, but we are here to tell you that every time you say them, it gets a little bit easier and then lo and behold, it begins to come naturally after awhile. Crazy, right?
So hang in there & keep saying those words as you hash things out - even if you have to choke them out at times. haha
Forgiveness makes our marriage stronger & sweeter and it will do the same for yours. Just keep at it!
Dont forget that we are here for you, to encouragw you in your marriage & cheer you on! You've got this ! Also, If you want to be sure to get our #marriagemondays posts, one of the following ways should do:
- Subscribe to our Blog and/or
- turn on post notifications from us Instagram,
- Or be sure to follow us on Facebook.
- Or do all of the above so you don't miss a beat! Yay!
We can't wait to cheer you on!
Enjoy the Journey!
ALLEN & CAROL
Don't forget to dance! | Marriage Mondays
I (Carol) really cannot count how many times a good ole country love song has come on the radio (or Pandora....we Love Pandora), and Allen has grabbed me for a quick slow dance while dinner cooks. It melts my butter! It is usually when I am having a tense moment, hurrying & scurrying, trying to "get it all done" (as if that ever really happens...or even matters in the end). Sometimes it is when I have had an exhausting day doing Algebra, Latin & Debate with our 3 children (we homeschool), keeping up with laundry, housekeeping, cooking, and managing our business. Allen will make me stop.what I'm doing, gather me in his arms and dance with me. Now really...what weary woman can resist that kind of love, I ask you. Not this one. I just melt into his arms, as we sway back and forth. Sounds crazy, but it works for us. We love to dance in the kitchen together. After all, the kitchen is where most of life happens for us, AND it's good for our kiddos to see us dancing together in the midst of a stressful day.
So, there you have it...one of our secrets...dancing in the kitchen together. May sound silly, but it sure does make cooking dinner a lighter load. π Oh...and ladies, there's a catch...are you ready for this? You have to LET him dance with you. Dinner can wait a few, so can the crying kids, or your to-do list...your marriage is worth it.
So whether it's Alan Jackson, Dolly Parton or Taylor Swift, put on a love song & dance in the kitchen together. ;)
By the way, if you're looking for some ways to refresh your marriage or even just the spark alive, then our #marriagemondays are for you! For more information on that, see our last post below! And of there's ever a way we can help encourage you, just let us know. Cheering you on in your marriage is our "why"!
If you don't want to miss any #marriagemondays tips, you may want to either
- Subscribe to our Blog and/or
- turn on post notifications from us Instgram,
- Or be sure to follow us on Facebook.
- Or do all of the above so you don't miss a beat! Yay!
We can't wait to cheer you on!
Enjoy the Journey!
ALLEN & CAROL
Intro to Marriage Mondays...The Series
This is something that has been on our minds for quite some time now...No matter what the social media highlights look like, the truth is that we don't always feel in love.
Read More