Kingdom marriage or consumer marriage? Which will yours be?
At our connect marriage retreat that we attended back in May, we learned through some of the leaders that that there are 2 types of marriages: a KINGDOM MARRIAGE and a CONSUMER MARRIAGE.
The definition of a kingdom marriage was "I will be who I ought to be whether you are or not." By contrast, a consumer marriage is one where one or both spouses put their needs and wants first and put their rights first. And having to be right results in feelings of loneliness. Anyone ever felt lonely sitting next to your spouse or laying next to your spouse? You're both there together yet the loneliness ache is so real and so strong it feels as if you are completely alone in that room. Why is that? Something we are learning is that our need to be right and control a situation can bring on those feelings of loneliness. That's a red flag for a consumer marriage, for sure.
I will never forget years ago, a certain wise lady was talking to me (Carol) about marriage and telling me how important it is to put my spouse first and not myself. I then asked the question, "How do you know if you're doing this?" And her wise question was like a punch in the gut . She said, "whose the first person you think of when you wake up in the mornings?" What?!!! Oh anything but that..Please! I LOVE to sleep in y'all. But God used that in a powerful way to show me that my husband (who serves me wholeheartedly all the time) was not who I was putting first. I was putting myself first and didn't even realize it. That changed that day. I woke in the mornings thinking, "how can I love and serve him?" If he needs coffee, breakfast and lunch, and I can help with that, why would I not? God has given me this amazing gift of a husband and I am so honored and privileged to serve him daily.
Okay, let me back up a bit and tell you men a secret tho. Allen has led the way in serving me. One of the reasons I am able to serve him is because he has shown me what that looks like...our entire marriage! Of course we are not without our arguments and struggles, but truly Allen puts me first in our lives. I cook dinner - he insists I serve my plate first (even when I argue..silly me. Haha). Most mornings that blessed man makes me coffee and serves me. In a crowded room, if I need a chair, he gives his up. You get the idea. I have said many times, I did not truly begin to comprehend the unconditional serving love of Christ until I met Allen. Men, you want a wife that will serve you joyfully and follow you to the ends of the earth (even if they have to leave their mamas? Heehee), then begin serving her...always. You wont regret it. What have you got to lose?
Just for the record, I wake in the mornings now and (unless I'm ill), I take great delight and joy in serving my man. My nature is still to be a night owl and want to sleep in, but as my man is getting ready, I wake to help get him out the door...because I want to. Not because I have to. Because he gives himself up for me continually, as Christ gave himself up for us. Now that's a kingdom marriage!
Of course we have plenty of selfish moments in between and we struggle with our sinful flesh at times, but when we get this right, it just makes for such a beautifil marriage.
All of the above describes a bit of what a kingdom marriage looks like. So what does a consumer marriage look like? It looks like a marriage where either a husband or wife (or both) think only of themselves. They have to be right..they each have to be in control. They each are focused on their own needs, wants, desires and when things get broken and they don't get what they want (or need) they throw it out like you would an old car, instead of taking the time and energy to repair what's broken. What could it have been or what could it be if one or both parties were (are?) willing to give all they have for the other. After all, how many classic cars are now out there that were once someone's brand new beautiful car but through neglect and wear, and over time, the beauty of it faded and it was tossed or traded in. Then along came someone who saw the potential in it and invested all they had to make it lovely? And now that car is what turns heads as it drives down the road. The difference was the love, care, time, effort and focus that was poured into it. What a difference it made. It's still the same car tho. If the original owner had given his or her best effort to maintain and enhance that car, the way the next owner had, it would have been even more beautiful and would have been the car everyone admired. Same goes for your marriage. Be the best version of you for your spouse now. Don't wait. There's not a single marriage out there, that has lasted years, that has not had to out in the hard work and dedication. It doesn't just happen easily.
Just to sum up, a kingdom marriage is being willing to love, serve & encourage even if you get nothing back. Otherwise resentment will come into play and begin to eat away at your marriage, piece by piece until there is nothing left. A consumer marriage is when one or both parties put themselves first instead of each other, which results in loneliness, resentment, and ultimately division.
So whose up for the challenge? Do you want a kingdom marriage or a consumer marriage? One is obviously going to be harder to obtain. It will take more hard work, more giving up our rights to be right, more serving when we don't feel like it, but let me tell you, the results are so lovely and so worth it. Don't forget...the prize is worth the price!
So go for that kingdom marriage! We know you can do it!
Cheering you on,
Allen & Carol
