Mind Made Up/ Marriage Mondays

Hey everyone! Welcome back to our Marriage Mondays series!  This week, we are tackling a tough topic.  What happens when one or both of you go through something so difficult in your marriage that you begin to allow your thoughts to drift to "not sure we'll make it thru this" ...or the question,  "can our marriage really survive this challenge?"  So many times we begin to compare our marriage to those around us and think, 'our marriage is not like theirs. Its just not strong enoigh'.   Well, we are here to tell you a secret....

THAT IS A LIE!  

There it is! We are calling it out!  And guess what else? You're not the only ones who have asked that question and had marriage doubts.  Its a struggle! We all struggle at times. Marriage is NOT easy! I mean, you take 2 different people, raised 2 very different ways and put them together and expect them to become one and create a life together and have...ummm..agreement? Crazy!! But it can absolutely be done. It takes a whole lot of dying to self, but it sure is possible! 

Okay, I digress. Back to calling out that lie!  So here it is in a nutshell.  It's all about making that decision early on in your marriage and not allowing yourself an "out".  You see, I (Carol) am a C.O.D. (child of divorce).  I came into the marriage with a handicap, which was believing there was a way out if we couldn't get thru a struggle. I didn't know that was what I was believing tho until we started going through some pretty rough times...financial hardships, decision making struggles,  miscarriage, anxiety, depression...whew! Many times I remember thinking that our marriage could not survive one more struggle.  But Allen was always there to call out that lie and tell me we were going to make it. Believing is hard work as someone once said. It's not at all easy to believe the truth, but again this week, we remind ourselves and all of you...

YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG! 

THERE IS NO OUT!

YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE & EVEN THRIVE! 

Allen had to keep reminding me of that for many years, until I could believe it for myself.  He kept reminding me that he wasn't going anywhere and that we were going to be together for a lifetime. He is a patient man, yall.  Haha

Okay...I hear you now...some of you may be saying, "But I don't have a spouse telling me that". Not all do, but if you do not, then you be that spouse!  You can do it! We believe in you! 

So, the main point here is...just make up your mind...

TO NOT GIVE UP,

THAT YOUR MARRIAGE WILL GET STRONGER, 

THAT ALL MARRIAGES GO THRU HARD TIMES,

AND THAT YOU WILL STAY MARRIED!! 

We know that it sounds too simple to just say "make up your mind to stay married", but it really is just that simple. At least its a big piece of the puzzle...the main piece.   Just keep saying "We're going to make it. There is no out! There is no Plan B"."

And we are saying it right along with you! We are knee deep in challenges...wrestling thru some very hard things ourselves...right along each of you. But 1 thing we know...we will make it! We will stay married. It is not an option. And we will be stronger on the other side, as will all of you. And in the midst of the struggles,  you can be assured, we will take a whole lot of coffee breaks together (and maybe even go ride some roller coasters.  Yah! But for more on having fun together, see more of our Marriage Monday posts below). 

So we give you permission to take a break from the hustle & bustle of life.  Go grab a cup of coffee together or have a dinner date and nail down that decision. Decide now that YOU WILL STAY MARRIED! Whether you've been married for a day or a month or even 20 years or more.  Your marriage is worth that investment. And Lord knows, you're kids will thank you for this. Its such a beautiful gift for them. The best gift ever!!

Alright, so there you have it...Marriage Mondays homework. Hee-hee.  Yall go make up your minds - together! 

Cheering you on (and battling right alongside you),

Allen & Carol

Micah Joyner | Chiles High School | 2017 Senior Session | Tallahassee Florida

This girl here is one of the strongest girls we know!  We have known her since she was an infant & its been so amazing watching her grow up!  Through gymnastics,  surgeries and many other challenges, she has stayed strong...trusting the Lord thru each situation.  We are so proud of her and so excited to highlight her on our blog and celebrate her! We can't wait to see where life takes her.  

She has already done incredible things, including graduating Cum Laude from Lawton Chiles High School in May of this year and winning the distinguished Lawton Chiles award! In addition, she came in first runner up for the District's Best and Brightest Recognition in the Public Speaking category. WOW!!!

Most of all, we are impressed by her character! She always has a sweet spirit and beautiful smile no matter what she is facing. Her strength and joy truly come from the Lord.

Great things await this sweet gal!

Congratulations Micah Joyner! We are rooting for you!

Allen & Carol

Cole | Class of 2017 | Tallahassee Senior Photographer | Chiles High School

You don't want to miss this!!!  These are definitely some of our favorite Senior photos thus far!  What an honor it was to be able to photograph this senior, who attends Chiles High School and plays football for them as well! (Go Timberwolves!) 

Allen was especially excited about this shoot, as he had some super cool ideas and couldn't wait to experiment with chalk dust and lights! What?!  And Cole was the perfect senior to work with for Allen's creativity!  We loved working with him!  From beginning to end, he was a natural!  He was super relaxed and never seemed to tire of Allen's crazy (and awesome, if I may say ;-)  ideas! And it paid off!  We always consider it a privilege to photograph Seniors...knowing this is the end of a season in their lives and the beginning of many new adventures!  We can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead for Cole, as he graduates in 2017! We believe he's going to do great things in the future! 

The photos below show when the fun really began!    Keep on scrolling!  This is when we were so grateful that Cole is a patient and chilled guy to put up with all the lighting changes and hold the poses for what probably seemed like an eternity. He nailed it!

Great job, Cole!  Adventures Await!

Allen & Carol 

Who fills your cup? / Marriage Mondays

First of all, we want to state loudly and boldly that our beautiful marriage is only possible because Jesus Christ is at the center of it. We strongly believe that without His love for us, there is no way we could love each other the way we need to.

Okay, now that we have established that, we wanted to share more on this subject of who fills our cups...who truly satisfies our souls. Now it's no secret that we LOVE being together! We have so much fun together - adventuring, laughing, cuddling! We really would rather be together than anywhere else.  Cheesy, but true. Ha-ha.

However, early on in our marriage, I think we both really thought we were supposed to make each other happy.  We spent much time trying to make the other one happy...not because we felt like we had to, but because we just wanted to.  We love seeing each other smile. Why not, right?

But what we didn't realize  is that there is a deep hole inside each of us that was only meant to be filled by one, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ.   As we have matured and grown in our marriage, we have learned that neither of us can MAKE the other one happy...and guess what? It's not our job to make the other happy or satisfied. And believe me, we have tried plenty of times and then been crazy disappointed when we failed.  Then as we grew, we learned 2 things:

1. We have to choose to be happy (thanks for those wise words, Dad); and

2. Only God can truly satisfy our souls. 

....

Wanna know what's truly going to make you happy in your marriage? Serving each other and giving to each other...setting your own desires aside for the sake of the other. After all, that's what  Christ did for us, right?

If you're looking for your spouse to be the source of your happiness,  to satisfy your soul, to fill your cup, it will never fully happen. Why? Because your spouse is human and imperfect, as we all are.  Those are unrealistic expectations (which we will discuss in another post). Marriage was never intended to be what fills you up. It's a representation of the way Christ loves us.

So we realize this is not at all the message the world tells you, but the world doesn't know how to make lasting marriages either.  Only striving for the example that Christ laid out for us - to serve each other/give up ourselves for each other - can make a strong marriage that lasts and is truly satisfying.

So go ahead and give it a try. We challenge you to see if serving your spouse doesn't satisfy your soul & fill your cup, more than relying on your spouse to make you happy. It's worth a shot, right?   

Cheering you on,

Allen & Carol

When the going gets tough, that's when love happens! / Marriage Mondays

So it may seem odd, but this week's post was inspired by the rapper Lecrae. It's actually a topic I've been wanting to write about for a while but for some reason haven't. This past Saturday I, Allen, took a couple of our kids to a Lecrae concert at Wild Adventures theme park. Between a couple of his songs he asked the audience, "who out there is in love? "  he then proceeded to say that you young people who are all ushy gushy and feel like you've Got That Loving Feeling... "that feeling is just gas!" he said.  Real Love is when you are going through some stuff! I just thought there's some real truth to that.  Real Love is built when you're having to go through some trials, hard times, and tuff stuff. That's what makes your love stronger...when you come through it together and you don't give up.  I can tell you right now that the reason Carol and I have such a great marriage, and we are so in love with each other, is because we've been through many trials together over 21 years of marriage.  There's going to be plenty of trials and hard times you've got to get through when you're married. That's just life.  If you've ever believed that marriage was going to be easy, and things would just be hunky-dory all the time, then you've been fooled by a lie!  You've been fooled by Hollywood and the whole sexualized culture that's out there.  Marriage just isn't always that ushy gooshy feeling.  Some times you just have to be committed and determined that we're going to get through this together, no matter what.  

It seems to be part of God's design that for things to get stronger, they have to be put through some kind of stress or heat. If you think about how a sword is made, the rough piece of steel has to be heated extremely hot and hammered into shape before it can cool down and become extremely strong, durable, unbendable, and beautiful.  If you think about muscles, when you lift weights, you actually tear your muscles and then they have to heal back together.  That's what makes them grow stronger and bigger.

When you think about it, most things that are just given to you, or you received easily, don't mean as much to you as something that you had to work really hard for.  If you want to have an amazing, lifelong marriage, you're going to have to work for it. You're going to have to earn the respect and admiration and trust and love of your spouse. There's going to be times that you just hold on to each other tight and pray to God and ask Him to help you to get through this situation.  Your marriage is worth fighting for! Don't ever give up! Don't let anything come between you and your spouse. You're on the same team.   Love each other. Serve each other.  Encourage each other.  And don't forget...when the going gets tough, thats when LOVE happens.

Cheering you on, 

Allen & Carol

Escape Together / Marriage Mondays

On a scale of 1-10, how important would you say getting away together is for your marriage.  We're going with an 11! We can't emphasize enough how vital this is.  With so many people and things needing our attention, energy, encouragement, love, and time it could be super easy for us to push "getting away" to the back burner and decide we dont have time for it, or can't afford it.  The truth is however, that we can't afford not to.  Our marriage is worth whatever effort it takes, whatever money it takes, to make it happen! Our marriage is worth it. Our kids are worth it. We are worth it!

We were reminded of that this week when we got the opportunity to escape for a few days. Allen had a business trip to West Palm Beach, and the kids and I (Carol) joined the fun! Yes...we took the kids...hold up on that tho.  My family lives in that area, so it was a no brainer for us to go along and visit with family.  In the middle of the week however,  Allen and I escaped to stay at The Hilton in West Palm (and the kids got to stay and visit with family. Win-Win!) It was ridiculously beautiful! Allen's conference was right next door at the Palm Beach County Convention Center, so it was perfect. For dinner, instead of staying for the conference dinner party, we decided to go for a stroll to eat at City Place. Then we walked, and walked, and walked! It was so refreshing and relaxing! We got to see parts of West Palm that we wouldn't have seen, had we stayed in at the hotel.  It was so much fun exploring the posh places together and dreaming and getting to have uninterrupted conversations.  As we passed an Aston Martin Dealership, we just had to stop for a photo.  Dream Cars!!!

Then we went back to the hotel and snuggled up in a chair by the pool together, relishing in the perfect night air and our sweet relationship. The next morning,  the conference finished and we decided to go for a drive and explore some more.  We happened upon this gorgeous old church.  I totally squealed...and begged Allen to turn around and find a parking space.  I LOVE old churches!!!  It was truly breathtaking yall!

This was exactly what our marriage needed. No agenda. No plans. Just exploring and dreaming together.  You see, although we have a great marriage, we are still human (duh 🙂) and no marriage is perfect...translating - we have been struggling a bit lately.  In all honesty, we really were just struggling too much to put a marriage monday post together last week.  We tried. We really did.  But then we came to a point that we realized we were going to have to let it go for the week, for the sake of our relationship. We have been super busy pouring into our family, our kids (end of year school projects, ball games, etc), and our photog biz has been kicking! Yay!! All good stuff, but it can easily take a toll if we aren't super diligent to invest back into our marriage. 

So here we are...back at it again!  Taking the time to take strolls together...holding hands of course (heehee), cuddling with each other, and dreaming together. And maybe, just maybe our honesty will be an encouragement to you,  knowing even we struggle at times and have to reevaluate and go have some fun together!

So...heres where the rubber meets the road.  We want to encourage you not only to read these posts, but apply what you're learning to your awesome marriage as wel! What does your marriage need today?  Has it been a while since you adventured together?  When's the last time you held hands while going nowhere in particular? How often do you dream together? Go ahead...we give you permission to plan an adventure together! It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant in the next town over, or going to the beach (or mountains) for the day (or weekend - even better), or going biking together...or playing a mean game of frisbee golf! Haha.  Whatever it is that you both love to do, put it on the calendar and get away for a few hours at least.  Your marriage is worth the investment of adventure and the payoff is priceless!

Sometimes when you're struggling in your marriage you may feel you need to get away FROM each other, when in reality probably what you need most is to get away WITH each other.  Works for us every time!

Cheering you on, 

Allen & Carol

What's toothpaste got to do with it? Marriage Mondays

So this may seem like a silly post, but it's essential to our marriage, nonetheless.  Okay. Yes. Brushing our teeth is essential to our marriage (ha-ha), but that's not quite what we are talking about. So here's the story about what toothpaste has to do with keeping our marriage strong:

Years ago, Allen and I attended a marriage retreat with our church at Jekyll Island.   We learned so much, but here was the main take away for us.  The speakers (a husband & wife team...cant recall who, sadly), told us about how they do small things to remind each other that they are thinking of one another.  One of the things they mentioned is that whoever gets to the toothbrushes first at night, before bed, puts the toothpaste on them both. Cute, right? :) They then went on to say that one night one of them went in to find that the other had brushed their teeth and not made both toothbrushes. Say what?!   That was the moment they knew...their marriage was in trouble.  Sounds crazy, right?  Of course it wasn't about the toothbrush...it was about what it symbolized.  It symbolized that they were no longer willing to put the other one first and that the little things they always did to care for each other were slipping away.  Heartbreaking.  That's where it begins though. Ever heard of the song Slow Fade by Casting Crowns?

From then on, Allen and I decided that as small as it seemed, we would begin fixing each other's toothbrushes.  Now of course we know that it is totally not necessary for all maried couples to make each others toothbrushes in order to have a great marriage.  For us though, it  continues to be a reminder to each other that we WILL put each other first...even when (no, especially when) we don't want to. It's also just a simple reminder that we love each other deeply.

Confession time:  We are not always that cuddly-snuggly couple you see on social media (although cuddling really is our favorite - haha). Sometimes we really don't want to put each other first and serve each other, but our marriage depends on it...so we do!

So you see, it's not really about the big investments you make in your marriage (although those are wonderful too - ie: a marriage retreat, a cruise, flowers, gifts, etc), but it's more about all the little deposits you put into your marriage bank.  There are so many stressors that make withdrawals that it's vital to not just make one huge deposit each year, but rather smaller deposits throughout the days and weeks.  Then when you do make that really big deposit, it's just a bonus and you're not overdrawn.

Here are a few ideas to get you started on  showing each other you care enough to put your spouse first:

1. Restock the toilet paper (ha-ha...and even better, hang it the way your spouse likes it...under or over? LOL)

2. Watch a chic flick or dude "flick" with each other (even if its not your fave.)

3. Fix each other's coffee...yes, pleeezz!!

4. Do your spouse's least fav chore - oh yeah!

5. Pick up after your spouse without expectations or complaining (Is that a tough one for anyone but us? ;)

You get the idea.  Those are just starters.  Need more ideas? Check out this post by Allen! Surely, though you can come up with some awesome ways to care for and love each other! And if you can't come up with your own ideas, feel free to adopt ours and start making each other's toothbrushes. Hee-Hee!

Cheering you on!

Allen & Carol

Agreement is Your Ally

This is us...finding agreement on where to go for lunch in Destin, Florida. Turns out, it was a great decision!

"We are just going to agree to disagree".  Ever heard those words? Maybe even said those words? Early on in our marriage, we may have...not realizing the damage that "disagreement" can do.  According to the dictionary, AGREEMENT is the absence of incompatibility (inability of two people to live together harmoniously) between two things/people. Whoa! That's a mouthful!  Compromise, however,  means to accept standards that are lower than desired.  Well, that sure doesn't sound like much fun! Compromise is usually made to sound like a good word, but that definition leads me to believe otherwise.

What does all that mean though?  In our relationship, agreement most of the time looks likechoosing not to move forward in a decision if we disagree.  Holding off on making a decision until we can agree is much more beneficial to our marriage than just forging ahead without agreement...especially in big decisions!  Admittedly, there are the rare times that a quick decision needs to be made and there's not always time to discuss it and find agreement.  That is the exception however, and not at all the norm. (More about that in a bit).

 To begin with, I think we could all agree that disagreement usually comes when you are trying to make a decision. It could be a simple decision, such as:

• Where to go out to eat (or even if you should),
• which outfit you should wear for family photos with Allen & Carol (ha-ha)
• What movie to watch, etc...

Or the more difficult decisions such as:

• How to raise your kids
• Which house to buy
• How to manage finances
• Which job to take
• How to school your kids
• Which church to go to

Whew! Just thinking about all the ways you could disagree on those topics can be exhausting, right? Where to begin?  Okay, so here is an important question to focus on:

What is it that you CAN agree On?

Something we have learned is that even in disagreement, we both really want the same thing.  For example,

• we both want to eat dinner (just not sure where);
• we both want the family to look nice for photos;
• We both want each other to feel loved;
• We both want the other to feel listened to and cared for;
• We both want a strong marriage;
• We both want to manage our finances well;
• And we both have the same goals for our children.

You can usually agree on the end goal (the destination), but agreeing on how you're gonna get there (the route) is much harder.  In order to come up with a "route" we agree on, it will most likely require one or both of us flex and bend and give up our right to be right for the greater good of our marriage.  In that flexing and bending (and putting each other first), our marriage becomes stronger than before.  Yes, we may have to wrestle through it, and it might get really tough for a little while, but it sure beats being selfish and giving up and going through the pain of either having a crappy marriage or ending in divorce eventually.  It seems like "disagreement" is a slippery slope that could easily lead to the destination of divorce.  Disagreeing may seem like a small thing, but it is something that can grow in a marriage and take root and eventually take over. There's no way we can truly "become one" with disagreement entangling us and taking over.

Several years ago, when we were deciding which home to buy (that's a big one, right?), Allen had an idea of what he wanted and thought was best, but I (Carol) really struggled with it. I could not at all catch his vision. It didn't make sense to me, but to be honest, looking back, I was really just being prideful and stubborn.  I did NOT want to bend or flex on that decision.  So what to do?  Well, my very sweet and patient man just waited.  He didn't push me or get frustrated with me.  He just waited.  We set the decision aside for a bit, prayed about it and decided not to forge ahead.  Now Allen is very logical, and is most often right in our marriage (yes, I just put that on the internet for the whole world to see. Scary! Ha-ha).  It's true!  He really could have forged ahead with that decision, knowing he was probably right. He could have not considered my opinion or thoughts on it, but that's not the kind of man he is.  He is loving and thoughtful and considerate and wanted my input.  So that required him to be patient.  Guess what?  A few months later, we were eating breakfast while on a business trip to California, and out of my mouth came, "I think it would be a great idea if we bought this kind of house" (exactly the kind he suggested!).  I thought it was such a brilliant idea that I had come up with. LOLDid I mention how patient Allen is?  He just kindly agreed and when we returned home, we pursued it.  And to this day (10 years later), we still both agree it was a wonderful decision.  Could we still have ended up in this house if Allen would have forged ahead?  Sure!  Would I have been happy in it?  Probably.  Would our marriage have suffered if he forged ahead?  Most likely.  I would not have felt listened to or cared for or loved, which would have chipped away at our relationship. 

All that to say, that is not how we make every decision, but it is how we make the big ones. If we aren't in agreement, we take a step back and wait a little longer (if possible), and pray about it, discuss it, and try to listen to each other. It's not always pretty, but it works. 

One last thing, there are times when decisions need to be made quickly and there's not time for that long process.  In some instances, Allen defers to me (example: schooling decisions for the kids, etc), but mostly, I defer to him and trust his judgement.  After all, God made him head of our home, and he is responsible to God for the outcome of his decisions.  I am responsible to God for honoring my husband.  This would be quite difficult if I did not trust Allen's judgement, if he was not a man of integrity, and if I did not know that he loves me dearly (which I do know) and puts me first in all decisions (seriously...all of them. He is the most unselfish person I've ever known).  So, I do know that the way he loves me makes it much easier to honor him, but I also know that even if he were not that kind of man, I would be responsible to God to honor him, nonetheless. This doesn't mean that I don't have a voice in the decisions. I am responsible to have a voice and communicate my thoughts on a matter as well, but I can honestly tell you that I have never regretted one single moment that I have chosen to follow his lead. God has always worked it out when I've done that.

Agreement for you and yours may look a bit different (the process), but we just wanted to encourage you to get on the same page no matter how hard you have to wrestle through decisions.  It makes life so much sweeter for you, and especially for your children. 

In the end, What's the most important thing? That you get what you want or that you have a strong marriage?  We hope you'll always opt for the strong marriage! As we've said before (quoting someone dear to our hearts), THE PRIZE IS WORTH THE PRICE!  Don't forget that AGREEMENT IS YOUR ALLY and you're going for the same goal.  For more on this, see our post Teamwork makes the Dreamwork.

Cheering you on,

Allen & Carol