Shielding Your Marriage

Shield your marriage from the enemy!!!

This something we wish we would have known starting out in our marriage. We became aware of it a few years in and were so grateful for this bit of advice.  When we got married,  we were young and just thought our young love could overcome all obstacles.  Well it can, if you're armed with the right weapons.  So we thought it'd be helpful for us to share some of our weapons with you that we have used throughout the years to shield our marriage from certain attacks!

1. Side hugs are your friends! (Seriously! Allen has always practiced this well and it makes me feel so honored.  Even when he hugs other female family members, he never embraces them close...it's a quick hug and a big ole pat on the back - hahaha- and then movin right along.  To some this seems no big deal but to us it's important.  We are the only ones -of the opposite sex- who we embrace closely...other than our parents and our own siblings. This does a few things for our relationship:  A.  It honors each other and B. It never gives someone else the opportunity to get the wrong idea.)
2. Be careful of letting someone other than your spouse connect emotionally with you (Highway to the Danger zone!🎶).  This is a big one yall!  Emotional ties can be super dangerous! It's a slippery slope from being a listening ear for someone of the opposite sex to ending up in a relationship with them. Again, Allen practices this well also.  He once had a girl pouring out her heart to him at work (shortly after we got married).  Fortunately he had been made aware of that danger via a mentor, and he recognized the signs.  He purposely decided to be unavailable when she was near and avoided talking to her.  In addition, he told me about it which just added one more safety measure - accountabiltity. Our post on Honesty Breeds Intimacy discusses that a bit more as well.  So, this  may all sound crazy and his co-worker may have thought him rude, but our marriage was more important to him than what some part-time co-worker thought of him.  Yep! I felt honored for sure! On my part (Carol's), I try to be careful not to "vent" to other men, other than my husband...not even family members (other than my Dads, of course. Haha). 
3. Break any ties - emotional, physical, or spiritual with former romantic relationships..don't look back, you're not going that way.  Even if you believe nothing will come of it and you believe you're strong enough to handle it, it's not worth the risk and again, its one more way to honor your spouse.
4. Don't entertain thoughts of the "D"  word (divorce)...the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Yes, God can bring restoration and redemption and "beauty  from ashes" from a divorce,  but its not His ultimate, beautfiul plan, and getting to that redemptive part is so much harder than just pushing thru the hard times with your spouse. For more on that, see our post about Be An Oak.
5. Never be alone, if at all possible, with a member of the opposite sex in a car or a secluded room.  We know this is not always possible but if it can at all be avoided, it's a good policy.  Allen has a policy that he will not ride in a car alone (especially on a business trip) with any other female, other than his wife. This is not only to avoid any kind of temptation but also to avoid any potential false accusations or  rumors that could be started.
6. Brag on your spouse...especially if you're talking to someone of the opposite sex. We find ourselves often bragging on each other to other people we encounter- at work, at the store, at church, etc.  If your talking about how amazing your spouse is, and there just may happen to be a little spark between you and that person - or even if not - that's a pretty good way to snuff it out!
7. Focus on the positive - It's so easy to get annoyed with each other and focus on how the other is not meeting your needs, but try to turn that around and remember that neither of you are perfect, and there's always something good about your spouse (otherwise you wouldn't have married him/her).  A great way to do this is to make a list of 10 things you love about your spouse, or 10 small ways they love you.  Come on now...there has to be at least 10. LOL

Now for the nitty gritty:  We would highly encourage you to read this post (and the other posts) with your spouse and discuss what you're currently doing to shield your marriage, what you need to begin practicing for your marriage (on the lists above or elsewhere), and if there's anything going on that you need to stop! Then be honest with your spouse, so that it's no longer a secret and then it can begin to diminish the threat to your marriage.  Oh, and side note: be sure to be a safe place for your spouse as they share with you! Stay tuned for a post on that another day (something else we have learned along the journey).

We believe in you and your marriage! We know God has equipped you to do the hard work it takes to have a beautfiul relationship with each other.  Don't take the easy road.  The prize is worth the price!

Cheering you on,

Allen & Carol

Love is not Selfish | Marriage Mondays

Welcome back to marriage Mondays! Today’s topic is primarily going to be for the guys, although it really does work both ways. I, Allen, will be taking on this topic and it is one that is probably the most important key to having a successful marriage.  Today we are going to discuss selfishness. Probably when most people think about being selfish, they know that it is not a good thing to be. Why is that? It’s because it’s not! I know you're probably thinking, "thanks captain obvious!"  So why then do we continue to struggle with being selfish and expect to win over the love and admiration of our spouse? It doesn’t work that way.  I had a thought, and the more I thought about it, the more I believe that selfishness is THE cause of all divorces.  Seriously, every reason that I know of that people get divorced, can all be tied back to one or both people being selfish.  Things that make you go hmmmmmmm!?

Now, I know some of you may not be Christians or maybe have never read the Bible, but there are a couple of verses in Ephesians chapter 5 that explain this concept of being unselfish in marriage very well.  This is what it reads, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” also “In the same way husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church.”  So the question is, how did Christ love the church? He gave up his place on the throne of Heaven and was willing to come down to Earth.  He took on the form of a human and then suffered a torturous death, being nailed to a wooden cross, all because that was the only way for us to be cleansed of our sins, and He loved us so much that he was willing to do that, knowing full well it was going to be super hard and painful.  He also did that knowing that we, as humans, are not truly able to return that love.  He just did it anyway!

Sometimes, most of the time, we as husbands, have to just love our wives and serve them with no expectation of getting anything in return.  Here's the good thing though, if you truly treat your wives this way, they will notice and they will have a respect and admiration for you that will be greater than if you just demand things from them, or if your just focused solely on what you want.

The movie, Fireproof, is a great example of this. I don’t want to give the whole movie away if you haven’t seen it, but, the main concept is that the husband was very self-centered and it was pushing his wife away and she wanted a divorce. It wasn’t until he was challenged to serve his wife without expecting anything in return that it began changing their marriage and eventually, over a long period of time, she grew to love him again.  We have got to remember that we are in this amazing/crazy thing called marriage for the long haul and sometimes things are going to take time to change. Even if it takes years, do it anyway! Even if it seems like it’s impossible, do it anyway! Even if you are getting little or no response from your spouse, do it anyway! Persistence and commitment are the key! Also, if you are doing it to change your spouse, you’re doing it for the wrong reason! You married your spouse for who they were/are. Real change comes when you stop being selfish and learn to love and serve unconditionally.

Something that we have discovered in our years of marriage is that there will be times when your spouse is either emotionally or physically unable to reciprocate your love and acknowledge your effort.  That's when you have to remember your commitment in your vows to love even during the tough times. For us, those times have just been seasons and don't last forever. Our marriage is always stronger on the other side of a difficult season when even one of us chooses to love and serve unconditionally.  

Ok, finally, let's give you some tools. I asked my wife, Carol, what are some ways I serve her that make her feel loved. Here were some of her answers and a few I thought of:

• washing my own dishes and not leaving them for her to wash. 
• Not expecting her to always serve me at dinner time, but chipping in and helping out.  

• That I care more about whether or not she is happy at the end of the day instead of if the house is perfectly clean.
• not expecting her to pick up after me. 
• opening the doors for her. This may seem like such a small thing, but this makes her feel special. 
• when she is stressed out or overwhelmed, I find ways that I can help take the load off of her to help relieve her stress.  ex. bring home dinner, call and check in with her on the way home from work and ask if she needs anything from the store. 

A couple of extra things I thought of are:

• Sometimes taking over the chores that your spouse absolutely hates to do (even if you hate that one as well). We're men, we can handle it!
• When you wake up in the morning, think about how you can serve your wife instead of how she can serve you. (Example: maybe you can make the coffee, or get the kids up and going for her).

 By the way, I don’t always get this right! Nobody does! But the times that I do, are the best times in our marriage!

Cheering you on!  

Allen & Carol  (mostly Allen this time,ha ha!)

Honesty Breeds Intimacy | Marriage Mondays

Its so important to be honest with each other... especially when you're afraid to.   Being honest and open in your relationship benefits you in many ways. Here are just a few:

1.  It helps you hold each other accountable in your weaknesses and temptations.  Allow for honesty to help each other fight the battles.

2.  It eliminates the need for secrects!

3.  It opens up your relationship to a whole new level of intimacy!

4.  It puts you in the same team and acts as a barrier to outside enemies.

Early on in our marriage we faced a pretty tough battle.  We had only been married a few short years and thought our love was invincible!   However, one of us didn't know that the other was entangled in a battle of the flesh. Therefore the one couldnt help the other.  The day finally came though when the one came to the other in honesty  (and brokenness).  Whew! The thought of that day still pinches at our hearts a bit. Communicating this was probably the hardest thing the offender had ever done. The "offendee" was able to finally help and offer grace and forgiveness and unconditional love, even though it was the most painful thing we had walked thru. The forgiveness was so worth it!  The openness was so worth it!  The tears, the tough conversations...all worth it!   We were then able to move forward and offer each other accountability and prayer, and set up new boundaries (safety nets) for our marriage so it could be stronger than before and ready for the enemy's attacks.

What a difference it made once we had an honest conversation about our struggles and how we needed to help each other.

Here are just a few things we learned from that trial:

Lessons learned by the Offender:

1. Honestly is always the best policy:  Honesty early on in the struggle is best.  Much of the battle could have been fought better with honesty early on.

2. The enemy will deceive you into believing that if you are honest, it will ruin your relationship! Be aware of this lie and don't buy into it

3.  Moving forward is hard. Trust won't come easy once it's been broken but it will come eventually.

4.  You may have to eat humble pie but it will be worth it later.

Lessons learned by the Offendee:

1.  Forgive! Forgive! Forgive! Whatever you have to do to say those words "I forgive you" just do it.  Especially if you don't feel like it. Practice saying them in the little things so that in the really big things, they come out easier.

2.  Feelings follow obedience  (not the other way around).  When you just do what is right, your heart follows. It may just take time for your heart to catch up with your actions when doing the right thing.

3. Forgiveness frees the offender from guilt and condemnation and paves the way for healing to take place.

4. Be patient with the trust process:  1It's okay that rebuilding trust takes a while and doesn't happen immediately. When trust has been broken, be patient with yourself and your spouse and just keep lovingly checking in with each other.  It will get better if you are both open and honest and willing to be humble and patient with each other. Give it time.

5. We can forgive because Christ forgave us:  He paid the ultimate price for us and forgave us of our wretchedness...over & over again. How can we not extend that same kind of forgiveness to each other.

6. You get what you give:  Eventually you'll be in need of forgiveness from your spouse (if you  haven't been already) and you will hope that they will be as forgiving to you as you are to them.

 Yes. We are aware that we listed more lessons that the offendee learned than the offender learned.  Sometimes, that's just how it is.  Here's the thing though.  You are 1 in your marriage! So when one of you learns something, the whole marriage benefits.  So really lessons learned by the offendee AND offender were lessons for us both, because all of it has greatly benefited our marriage!

 Lastly, we wanted to remind you of one very important thing: On your wedding day, you made vows to stick together and be there for each other in good and bad times (or for better and for worse...depending on how you worded it).  This is where the rubber meets the road! In these moments, it's time to just buck up and work through these things even whether you feel like it or not. That's just part of being married. It's not all romantic valentines love all the time.  Not even for us (no matter what the social media "highlights" may look like).  But as we said in the beginning... Honesty breeds intimacy.   So the romantic love will come but you may just have to go through the nasty storms to get the gorgeous sunsets.  Soo...

• Hang in there with each other.
• Keep communicating!
• Be honest, and whatever you do...
• DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Cheering you on,

Allen & Carol

Stand By Your Man | Marriage Mondays

I know. Now your humming the song, right? Well, I guess it depends on what generation you are.  I'm really not THAT old (just kidding mom ;), but I have to admit that I am indeed an old soul. I do love me some Loretta Lynn and Tammy Wynette! Okay, so the title of that song probably sounds hokey, but Tammy Winette may have been onto something. 

Now before I lose any of you, let me explain what I mean.   There will be times you won't want to hash it out and hang in there with your guy, but just deciding ahead of time that you will do it anyway makes it easier when the time does comes to decide. Decision done! No need to make that decision in the heat of the moment. 

 Stand by him in your thoughts, actions and especially your words. Our guys need our affirmation and encouragement.  Sometimes they carry a pretty heavy load, but they may not let on that the burden gets heavy.  However, when we come alongside and let them know we are cheering them on and believe in them, it makes a huge difference in easing that load and giving them that extra push they need to get thru. I'll be the first to admit that I do have the advantage of having a cheerleader mentality. After all, I was always the die-hard cheerleader in high school who thought our football team could pull out a win in the last 2 minutes, even if they were losing by 3 touchdowns. Go ahead and laugh. Haha. I laugh at myself thinking about it.  However that kind of mentality has served me well in our marriage.  I think the world of Allen and as far as I'm concerned, there ain't nothin that man of mine can't do.  He is absolutely incredible! Oh...did I mention I'm also a romanticist (just in case you haven't already figured that one out).  Works for us though. Keeps us a-dreamin and a-lovin!

It also helps that Allen values me. He values my opinions, my dreams, my goals, my emotions. He simply values me, and that just endears my heart to him even more and makes me want to be his biggest fan!  Even in his failures, he still needs to know that his wife believes in him...even if it's just to cheer him on in getting back up again.  Just that can help him be the man God called him to be.  The influence we have on our men can not be over emphasized. It is so important for us to be on their team!

So now I'm gonna set my pom poms down for a few mintues and share some practical ways you can stand by your man.

Here are some quick and easy things to say to to encourage your husband:

1. I believe in you!

2. You're doing a great job!

3. I'm proud of you!

4. I love being your wife!

5. You've got this!

6. You have big muscles.  (That has got to make him smile, at least).

7. You've got a cute tush! Hahaha. Ok. That one might just make him laugh, but laughter lightens the load too.  For more on that, check out this previous post.

8. I'm your biggest fan!

9. There's no one more handsome than you.

10. You're the only one for me.

So you get the idea.  It doesn't take much effort to affirm our guys and let them know we are proud of them (even if they don't do things the way we would do them. Although sometimes, if we can take a step back and get a different perspective, we might even be able to see that their way is pretty awesome too!).  It's the little things we say and do that can really help them carry those heavy burdens.

So come on ladies! We can do this! Let's grab those pom poms and cheer our guys on (even on the days we don't feel like it)! It won't always be easy but totally worth the investment!

Cheering you on,

Allen & Carol  (mostly Carol on this one)

In Hot Pursuit | Marriage Mondays

Young Love! Just started dating 1992

When we were high school sweethearts (awww), pursuing each other came as naturally as eating or sleeping.  Because really we all we thought about was each other. We were together as much as possible and then when we weren’t, we were busy wishing we were and thinking of the ways we could be together again or thinking of how wonderful it would be when we were together. (that’s a lot of “together” in a few sentences. Haha) 

Fast forward to this past Sunday, as we sat in church, listening to a sermon, the question began to churn in my mind, “What are we busy pursuing?”  That of course led to the next thoughts:  “Do Allen and I pursue each other and a strong marriage more than we pursue our own individual interests and concerns?”  Let’s face it. It would be so easy to get going our own separate ways and forget to pursue each other.  After all, we are very busy in this season of life:  Working 2 jobs, one of those involves running a business, homeschooling our 3 beautiful children, helping care for our parents at times,  and managing a household.  How in the world are we supposed to make time to pursue each other?   Even if you’re just starting out in your marriage, it will most likely not come easy, after the first few years.  With college, careers, maybe buying or building a house, staying fit, eating well, and then kids, who has time to pursue each other?  And furthermore, does it matter?  

Try to think back to the time when you were dating each other.  You did everything possible to dote on the one you love and spent time and effort to win their heart.  It was so important for each of you to know the other had you on their mind.  Pursuing each other reminds your spouse that you’re thinking of them and putting them first.  When Allen and I began dating, we were just kids.  I was 18 and he 16 (Yes! I totally robbed the cradle! Not one single regret. I knew a good one when I saw it.)  We both had jobs and were in school but that was the extent of our responsibility really.  We had the time and energy to put into our relationship and to pursue each other.   I used to make Allen these killer brownies!  I have no idea why he thought they tasted so delicious, but all I can figure is that it must have been the love I put into them.  And he used to bring me flowers. Ahh.  See our previous post on “My Feelings aren’t up for Evaluation” for more on how important flowers are to me. Hahaha.  The point is that when you’re first starting out, being thoughtful and considerate of each other seems to come naturally, but as time goes on, it’s something you can either let slip away, or continue to work at.  The question is do you want to have a good marriage or a GREAT marriage?  Letting those little things slip away, that you did when you were dating, will eventually take a toll on your marriage. It may go unnoticed at first, but it will show up eventually.

Some of you may have not pursued each other for so long that you’ve forgotten how. No worries! That’s what we are here for…to refresh your memories! So we have some questions and some ideas to help you be “IN HOT PURSUIT” of each other once again.

Senior Prom 1993

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:         

1.       How did you go after the one you love to begin with?

a.       Cards & Letters?

b.      Chocolates and/or Flowers?

c.       Spending quality time with them?

d.      Leaving them little surprise gifts and notes?

2.       What is your spouse’s Love language?  If you don’t know, there’s a great book called “The Five Love Languages” that can be helpful with that.  We would highly encourage you to read it together and discuss it; then put into practice, loving on each other in a way that fills their love tank.

 Here they are in a nutshell:

a.       Quality Time

b.      Words of Affirmation

c.       Gifts

d.      Acts of Service

e.      Physical Touch

3.        Now that you have the one your soul loves, are you still doing those same things to keep their heart? 

4.       How often are you pursing your spouse and making your marriage the #1 priority?  Nobody else will do it for you.  Your jobs, your kids, your social media habits…they’ll take everything you give them.  Make sure you're giving your marriage the BEST of you! 

HOT PURSUIT IDEAS:

1.       FLIRTwith each other! (hee-hee. This is so under-rated!)

2.       DANCE in the Kitchen (or wherever) to your favorite music together.

3.       Make sure to HUG each other often and hang onto each other (you can often find us holding hands when we are walking around shopping or to and from places. It doesn’t take much effort and is a sweet connection in the midst of busyness)

4.       Put a DATE on the calendar for just the 2 of you, at least once a month (once a week is better, if your schedule allows).  If we can’t get out once a week, we at least make a point to sit together and cuddle and watch a movie or favorite show after the kids are down.  Sometimes this will get us through until we can schedule that date and get out together.

5.       Always greet each other a BIG INTENTIONAL KISS the morning and evening, and anytime you’re leaving each other.  This may same silly, but it really helps keep that spark alive. (OH…and we’re not talking just a peck here.  We’re also not suggesting a make-out session each time you see each other either.  Although that sounds fun, it’s totally unrealistic. Haha.  We’re just saying it’s important to totally stop what you’re doing for a minute, and give your spouse an intentional kiss hello or goodbye for a moment).

Cheering you on!

Allen & Carol

My Feelings Are Not Up For Evaluation / Marriage Mondays

 "My feelings are not up for evaluation".  The first time we heard this, we were at a marriage retreat. Although we had never heard this before, it totally resonated with us and made perfect sense. The fact is that sometimes we feel something that is not logical, or is not the truth. However, in that moment, you don't want to be told you're irrational or unreasonable. That seems to just fuel the flame.  Anyone else with us on that? Especially woman, because we are totally illogical at times (especially when we are emotional). We have found that when one of us approaches the other with a heavy heart, feeling hurt or angry or disappointed, etc, if the other one can simply acknowledge the feelings, it seems to be a good start to resolution.  In the book For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhann, it is worded this way: "When you address my feelings, you solve my problems."  Yes! Yes! Yes! That's totally it! (Great book by the way...an oldie but a goodie. We learned so much from For Women Only and For Men Only [Feldhann, 2004] Must reads!)

 Please don't misunderstand us. We are not at all saying that you don't have to address the problem as well (and the lack of truth or logic that may be going on).  Those things obviously need to be discussed and addressed. However, beginning by acknowledging the feelings first says, "I care more about your heart than I do anything else."

 This crazy story about us is a good example of this.  About 10 Years ago, we had moved into our new home in our small town. I didn't realize how the transition of living out in the middle of nowhere was affecting me, but I was an exhausted mama of 3,  with no friends in town, running on empty...feeling a bit alone and discouraged...okay and maybe a bit unloved.  I shared this with Allen before he left for work one day.  Good timing, right? Haha.  In my mind, the solution was...wait for it...Flowers!  Hahaha. Isn't that the solution for any girls' problems? Totally kidding here. I know some women don't like them, but this woman does.   In my defense, I really did feel like this would make me feel loved and encouraged and less alone.  The thought of it cracks me up even now.  But nonetheless, feelings are not up for evaluation, right? (We had not learned that yet but we were about to). 

Allen then proceeded to tell me that "Flowers are not in the budget". Whoa! Those were NOT the words my aching heart wanted to hear.  Of course at this point, the tears began! Not because I was a spoiled brat but simply because  (as I told him), I needed to know that I was more important than the budge.  That may sound crazy, but we had been pinching pennies and really working hard to do things right and pay off bills, etc.  So there had not been a lot of "splurges" at that time.  To his credit, he was totally right! Flowers were definitely not in the budget  (the small budget that Allen had done an amazing job with. He always has taken great care of us on 1 income, keeping the bills to a minimum so I can stay home with our 3 amazing kids!). 

 Anyhow, so as I cried, I proceeded to let him know that I did not give a care about the budget  (um...I may have yelled it. Oops).  My heart broke into a million  pieces as he left for work. Poor guy.  He was trying.  He is a patient man! So basically, I FELT: unloved, lonely and discouraged.  However that was NOT the truth! The TRUTH was that I was  (and still am): deeply loved by the most amazing man in the whole world who would give anything for me to know how deep his love his.  The fact also was that we were on a very tight budget with zero wiggle room! However, I needed a tangible demonstration of that love he had for me. 

It ends well though! So my prince charming had the most magnificent bouquet of flowers sent to me that afternoon  with the sweetest note that said, "You're worth blowing the budget for". Awwww. I still smile at the thought of it! I still don't have a clue what he spent on those (and really don't care to know), but my heart felt so ridiculously and abundantly loved in that moment!   It was one of the greatest investments in our marriage that he could have made.  Plus, in that we learned how important validating each others feelings are. What's wonderful lesson that was for us!

So to wrap up, we just wanted to restate that  just because one's feelings may not be logical or truthful doesn't mean they're not valid.  Once those feelings are addressed, then the problem can be addressed and you can get to the good stuff faster ..the making up. Heehee

Cheering you on, 

ALLEN & CAROL  

P.S. Looking for some ways to put the FUN back in your marriage? Check out our post on PLAYING TOGETHER! 

Be an oak | Marriage Mondays

Welcome back to Marriage Mondays!  It’s been wonderful taking time to be with family and friends through the Christmas and New Year holidays, but we are excited to get back to our regular Monday posts.

For today’s post I, Allen, thought I would write about an analogy that God gave me one night before I was to speak at a marriage conference this past year.  Throughout the week of the marriage conference, called CONNECT, we learned of so many hurting marriages and we were so burdened for them.  As I was trying to go to sleep one night, I had this vision of a huge beautiful mighty Live Oak tree.  Being from north Florida, we have a ton of these huge, majestic, old, moss covered Live Oak trees that can be several hundred years old and whenever I see one, I’m always in awe of them. That tree was a representation of what a strong, beautiful, long lasting marriage looks like.

If you think about it, that tree started out as a small, week little sapling. It had fresh green leaves and a smooth trunk. It was cute, but not really catching the attention of people as they traveled by.  Now, many many years later, the tree has a very wrinkled looking trunk, the big thick branches are starting to sag towards the ground because they are so heavy. There is a bunch of Spanish moss covering up the leaves, yet the tree is absolutely stunning to look at. They are revered among the trees in the area and it is actually illegal to cut one down.

It took a long long time for that tree to grow from such a small sapling into the majestic mighty behemoth that stands strong and proud today.  That tree has had to endure countless hurricanes, thunderstorms, deep freezes, insects, loggers to be what it is today.

That’s just like a strong marriage. They don’t just start out being strong from day one and are always strong without having to endure any struggles. As a matter of fact, the more struggles a couple has to endure and make it through, the stronger the marriage.  The limbs of the oak tree have been pulled and cracked and put under all kinds of stress from the storms it’s been through, but each time it heals and is even stronger than before.

Carol and I have a marriage that a lot of people look up to, but we have been through an incredible amount of storms and trials and disappointments and hurts to get where we are today.  Our love is stronger today than it ever has been and that is because we have not given up on each other and we have figured out how to communicate and work through the hard times. That is the secret to a good marriage, communicating through the crap and not ever giving up.  People give up way too easily these days and they don’t realize that what they have really been wanting, is just on the other side of the tough time that they are going through right now. It’s not easy to see, but it’s there! 

When you face a trial in your marriage, and believe us you will, that’s NORMAL, just remember the mighty oak.  Remember it didn’t become strong and beautiful in year one or year ten, it took centuries and it had to stand up to tremendous storms and stresses to be what it is today.  Even though we have been married for 21 years and have a strong marriage, we are also mindful that we are still learning and growing and are just getting started.  Don’t ever think that marriage is easy! It can be amazing, and fun, and satisfying, but it’s always going to take work.  You will always have to be intentional in building up your marriage and defending it and not allowing any enemy to sneak in and tear it apart. 

BE AN OAK

Cheering you on!

Allen & Carol

NO NEED TO BE "BASH"-FUL | Marriage Mondays

So we are not really talking about the shy kind of "bash"ful.  What we are talking about here is the spouse bashing that seems to happen when one is with their friends.  Okay.  So we know that doesn't pertain to all of you, but this has just been on our hearts and we wanted to share it.  Marriage is a no-bashing zone!  This has to be true for many reasons, but here are a few of those reasons.  If you are tempted, we hope this is helpful to you! 

THE FALLOUT OF BASHING:

• It breaks trust
• It breaks unity (connection )
• It totally kills self esteem in your spouse (definitely not what we're going for, right? ;-)
• It Totally makes you lose that "lovin feelin"
• Sadly, it ruins your spouses reputation (Blah! Nobody wants that.)
• Last but not least, it could eventually drive your spouse to look for affirmation elsewhere (This is obviously what we want to avoid at all costs!

So, now that you know the fallout of bashing, we want to help you out with it.  We know it's not always easy to just change a habit. It has to be replaced with something else.  We know that sometimes when you're hanging out with your girlfriends or buds, it sometimes seems just natural to smack talk about your spouse...but there's a better way. We promise you, there is!  And we want to help you! So here are just a few...

WAYS TO BREAK THE BASHING HABIT:

• Practice speaking kind things to & about your spouse. This will help you believe it then speaking it will come more naturally. Yay! Now that's what we want, right?
• If caught in a bashing session, feel free to either excuse yourself or better yet, start sharing something GREAT about your spouse (you know, like how awesome he hung the Christmas lights, or how wonderful she smells - hee hee. We know you can think of a lot of great things!)
• Make a list of 10 things you love about your spouse. Focus on those daily so that next time you're tempted, you can have these things in mind ready to share instead of the negative.
• Remember that neither of you are perfect & never will be. We all have room to grow but we also all have wonderful traits as well.
• Ask yourself how you'd feel if your spouse bashed you.
• Pray - ask God to help you focus on the positive character traits about the one you fell in love with.
• Lastly, Take a good look at yourself.  What's going on inside of you that's making you want to hurt your spouse by bashing?  Maybe you've just had a tough day.  Maybe it makes for a good laugh. Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it.  We just want to encourage you to lift each other up instead. And don't forget that you're on the same team!  For more on that see our post about how Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

Now for the good stuff!  We want to share with you the...

BENEFITS OF "BUILDING EACH OTHER UP":

• Speaking well of your spouse will make them want to be a better person. Win-win for all!
• You get to have a deeper connection 
• It Builds trust in your relationship
• It Builds confidence in your spouse
• It Gives your spouse a good reputation
• You're able to help other marriages thrive in this area as well (building up your spouse is contagious, just as bashing him/her is contagious).
• Being loyal to each other makes for a dynamite marriage!

We're sure you can probably think of many more benefits of speaking well of your spouse. These are just to get you started.  As we mentioned before, we know not all struggle with this, but we've seen this tear marriages apart and we just want your marriage to be as beautiful as it can be.  In order for that to happen, the spouse-bashing has to go (but only if you want a great marriage - and we know you do!)  Thanks for letting us speak into your marriage. Keep us the great work!

"Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those hear them". Ephesians 4:29 NIV

Cheering you on,

ALLEN & CAROL